"When you hear the word mourning what comes to mind?"  Maybe you get a picture of a widow standing at her husband's grave, maybe you see an old man sitting at a table alone in the house his late wife decorated, or maybe you see a couple standing at the door of a new nursery that is devoid of a child.  These are the same pictures that use to come to my mind when I heard the word mourning.  After meeting Juliet, my idea of how I viewed mourning someone's death has completely changed. I use to think that mourning was the grief you experienced from the time the person died till you buried them.  I use to think that it was just an emotion and not an action that affect a lifestyle.   After watching my dear friend Juliet mourn the death of her husband I can see that it is more than just an emotion it is a lifestyle.

Juliet lost her husband to AIDS four months ago, leaving her a widow with five children and a grandchild.  For the first three months she had to stay in her house and did not come out because there were complications in the burial process.  After he was buried she was unable to leave her homestead for another two months to continue the grieving process.  Even still, she will wear black everyday and continue to mourn for another three years.  This is part of the Swazi culture here and what "mourning" looks like in their lives.

The idea of mourning or grieving the death of someone as being a lifestyle never enters the mind of a normal American/Westerner.  It is not that grieving the death of someone you love for three years is morbid, it is actually honoring their life and remembering who they are to you.  By Juliet wearing black for the next three years she is making a statement that she has lost someone who is dear to her and her heart is broken because of what that person meant to her.

Unlike losing someone here on earth and grieving their death because we won't have them in this life anymore, we have a God who physically is not present but the word says His spirit dwells within us. We don't have to live as though we lost Him forever. So often times we as Christians focus on the death of Jesus and how awful it was rather than focusing on what He means to us and how He has affected our lives.  I wonder when non- believers look at the way we are living- if they see us wearing black as if He has not risen.  We don't have to mourn His death or live as if He is not around anymore.  We believers we should celebrate His life- "the resurrected life" that dwells within us. 

Watching Juliette has challenged me because I have seen how alone she feels.  I have watched her feel completly abandoned becuase her husband is gone.  I am challenged becuase how often do I feel completly alone?  How often do I feel abandoned by the Lord?  THESE FEELINGS ARE TOTALLY WRONG!  If I am living a life that is celebrating my Jesus I should not be feeling like that.  I should not be thinking that I am alone in my walk with the Lord.  I should not be thinking that I am on my own. 

"I have set the Lord always before me.  Because He is always at my right hand, I will not be shaken.  THerefore my heart is glad and my tounge rejoices; my body will also rest secure, becuase you will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your holy one see decay.  You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand."  Psalm 16:8-11

The Lord is always with me...so says His word.  He is never going to bandon me.  He is going to make known to me the paths of life and I will find pleasure and joy in His presence.  This is the resurrected life of Jesus that I am celebrating.  I am not alone in this thing...I am not abandoned!

Don't you hate it when the Lord takes a lesson that He has been teaching you for a while and in a moment solidifies it through one situation.  It kinda makes you feel a little dumb and makes you think, "Oh well that was simple." 

            For the last year the Lord has been asking me one question, "Cass are you going to trust me?"  And you might think that is a simple question but you know what...I have struggled with this.  In the last year I was away from home when the fires hit, not knowing what was going on or how my family was. "Cass are you going to trust me?"  In 24 hours I was robbed of everything that I had, broke down in the middle of no where Africa and became violently ill with tick bite fever…"Cass are you going to trust me?"  Had a team of 15 students going to Kenya with 2 other leaders and myself, got a phone call and all of a sudden I was going to Swaziland with a team of 13 students and now I was on my own as a leader. "Cass are you going to trust me?"  2 weeks into our time here I was taking a group of 6 orphans to a game park and we were T-Boned by a semi truck full of dirt.  As I am pulling bloody, screaming orphans out of the car…"Cass are you going to trust me?"  2 weeks later I got into another accident, this time I t-boned a truck that pulled out in front of me…"Cass are you going to trust me?"  In the middle of all of these things I have received really hard emails from friends, I have seen more children die in the last year than ever before and still the question remains…"Cass are you going to trust me?" 

            Last week I went back to the orphans that had been in the accident to take them as a surprise to the game park to see the animals.  They were so excited and we were walking to the car and the mood changed.  It went from excited to fear.  A few of the kids jumped right in, a couple took a minute to get in and then there was Mcebo (mmm-Click-ebo).  She is four and she stood there and looked at the car for a long time.  You could see the tension in her body and the fear in her eyes.  And then she got in.  And off to see the animals we went.

            When a hard situation hits I find myself thinking about whether I want to get back in the car or not...do I want to chance another terrible thing happening or just not get in?  A lot of the time I have to sit and contemplate whether or not I am going to trust the Lord or take things into my own hands.  Is it even worth getting into the car?  I can be mad and give up and out of fear of being hurt again not trust that the Lord is in control and will give me everything that is required to make it through. 

            Mcebo had to get in the car, into the vehicle that the last time she was in was wrecked and cause hurt.  But when she decided to get in, she went to the game park and had the best day of her life.  She got to see and experience things that she would not have seen or experienced if she didn't get in the car.  She was blessed.

            Like Mcebo, I just have to get in.  I want to experience all of the what the Lord has for me and in order to do so, I am going to go through hard times.  It is going to hurt, it is going to be hard but it is going to be worth it.  If I am trusting the Lord He is going to make my paths straight (Prov. 3:5-6). 

            Lord: "Cass are you going to trust me?  Would you go through it all again?  Am I worth it?"

            Cassie: "YES!"

For the last 3-4 months the Lord has been really pressing me with this idea of Abiding.  In John the Lord makes a statement, "I am the Vine you are the branches."  I was thinking about this and realizing that all we need in life is to stay attached to the vine.  Everything that is flowing through the Vine (Jesus) is availible to us the Branches.  All the Life that we could ever need, all the strength that is needed... everything.  The Vine is souly for the branch and the Branch is souly for the vine.  All the fruit that the branch produces is only because the Vine is supplying all that is needed for fruit to grow.  And the only reason that the Branch is bearing fruit is becuase it is connected to the Vine. 

No matter what life throws our way, whether we are in Africa, America, Peru, Europe, you name it; all we need is to be connected to the Vine.  The Lord supplies our every need and we can have abundant life through Him.  He (the Vine) holds us up and gives us all that we need to have life.

Lord give me the strength to stay connected to you!  Thank you that you supply my every need and all life that flows through you is availible to me.  Use me your branch to bear fruit that glorifies you.  Amen.  

Matthew 11:28-30,

 "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart and you will find rest for your souls.  For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."

This last week one of the things that we have been learning about and teaching students is this idea of solitude.  What does that mean?  Well, solitude simply is a state of mind and heart, finding that secret place with the Lord (kinda like a portable sanctuary).  Jesus multiple times in the Gospels goes off to be by Himself to pray.  He goes off to find that secret place to commune with God.  He goes off to hear and see God.  He gets away from all distraction to hear from the Lord.

Everyone longs for that inner silence that only comes with solitude; we ache to find that hiding/secret place to be with Jesus.  Our heart cries for it but how do we get there?  How do we find it and what do we have to do to get there?  So often I get caught up in the doing and trying that I miss the whole point.  I miss the simple command in Matthew to just come.  The word doesn't say that we have to do something to get there, it doesn't say that we have to be a certain way, it just says come.  Sometimes I view just coming as a hard thing but Jesus says that His burden is light and His yoke is easy.  The Yoke of Coming to Jesus should be a natural thing and not something that should be feared or even hard to do. 

So many times Satan tries to rob us of this right and command of coming to the Lord.  He tries to tell us that we are not worthy of coming to Jesus because of this or that.  He tries to get us so caught up in agenda and life that we miss this simple idea of just coming to the Lord.  That is the idea of solitude, forsaking all other distractions and just sitting before Jesus.  Without an agenda and list of what we need from Him, just simply coming and being in His presence and letting Him Speak and reveal Himself in the way that He desires.  And as we sit in His presence and let his words speak to our heart the cares of the world and the worries just fall off and all that matters at that moment is being with Jesus and hearing His heart beat for you His child.

When I was praying about this last week the Lord kept bringing a picture to my mind of this child.  This little girl that had dirty cloths on and tattoos all over her body and in the distance she was looking at her Father.  The tattoos where lies that the enemy had made her feel, shame, guilt, unworthy, unloved, not god enough, tainted, ugly and scared.  So badly wanting to be with her Father but held/bond by her tattoos.  She hears the call of her Father saying, "come and I will give you rest", and desperately wants to run into his arms!  She looks up after looking at all of her tattoos and dirty cloths and takes a step toward her Father.  As she takes the step one of the tattoos falls to the ground like a scale revealing the pure soft skin underneath.  She takes another step and another falls to the ground.  She takes another step, and another and another and more and more tattoos fall to the ground.  As she makes her way to her Father all that bound her falls away revealing the way that Jesus, her Daddy sees her.  When she reaches her Fathers arms, His tears and the song He sings over her washes over her stone cold, broken, wounded heart bringing restoration and wholeness in the place of the lies.

"Jesus, give us strength to run into your presence today.  Help us to see your heart and find the grace and rest that comes with being with You."  Amen. 

           Having been back in Africa for about a month now, there has been one thing that the Lord has been breathing .  It is a burning inside me that is uncontainable and unstoppable.  It is not emotion it is a passion that cannot be quenched and is causing my paradigm to shift.  My view of our purpose in  life and Gods desire for the world and His creation has become so different. 

It is this idea of kingdom living.  In the gospel of Matthew in the chapters from the sermon on the mount (5-7) Jesus talks about prayer.  He says in Chapter 6:9-10, "In this manner therefore pray; Our Father in heaven, Hallowed be Your name.  Your kingdom come, Your will be done on earth as it is in Heaven."   Now that is just a section of the prayer but have you ever thought about this part of scripture?  I mean really?  What if this was really how we prayed?  Gods will be done on earth as in heaven.

So often I have prayed for Gods will.  Not a bad thing at all, but I am realizing that the will of God is much simpler than I think.  "Your will be done on earth as it is in Heaven."  seems so basic right.

 I love how Bill Johnson puts it in his book, The supernatural power of a transformed mind.  He says, ""When we pray, "Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done," we're praying for the King's dominion and will to be realized right here, right now…God has not kept His desires secret: He wants the reality of heaven to invade this rebel-torn world, to transform it, to bring it under His leadership.  What is free to operate in heaven-joy, peace, wisdom, health, wholeness, and all the other good promises we read about in the Bible-should be free to operate here on this planet, in your home, your church, your business, and your school. What is not free to operate there-sickness, disease, spiritual bondage and sin-should not be free to operate here, period.  That in a nutshell, is our assignment as believers on earth."

If we make this our goal on earth than the ability for lives to be set free, bodies to be restored and the rule of the enemy to be pushed back in every way is imaginable. 

My paradigm has shifted because I want this in my life.  I want to see Jesus set free on this earth to bring His kingdom here.  I believe that God has given every believer the craving for the impossible.  It is something that is just part of you that wont go away or fade the longer that you grow with the Lord.  My heart knows that there is much more to this life.  I want the supernatural power of God to be demonstrated. 

Jesus bring your kingdom, open the blind eyes, unlock the deaf ears, come to your people. Hear us from heaven, touch our generation, I am your child crying out in desperation.

Here I   am yet again with a blank page in front of me.   Wanting to share my heart and wondering how I am going to express to you in words the last few months of being in Africa.   How am I going to paint the picture of the squatter camp where children come to school with wounds from the beatings the night before.   Or about the countless orphans that follow us down the dusty roads for miles just to be held for a few minutes.   How do I portray a mother with AIDS and no way to feed her babies because she is shunned by society.   How do I put into words the smell that overtakes you as you walk into the hospital filled with dieing people.   How do I describe what it feels like to hold a five month old baby boy, that is nothing but skin and bone, and try to love him with out breaking him.   What about the blow to the stomach every time that I am met with a hopeless situation,

Brennan Manning writes about honesty in his book, The Ragamuffin Gospel.   He says;

"Relief comes from rigorous honesty with our selves.   Honesty… is always unpleasant, and usually painful, and that is why I am not very good at it.   But to stand in the truth before God and one another has a unique reward…… Gerald May, a Christian psychiatrist in Washington DC, writes: "Honesty before God requires the most fundamental risk of faith we can take: the risk that God is good, that God does love us unconditionally.   It is in taking this risk that we rediscover our dignity.   To bring the truth of ourselves, just as we are, to God, just as God is, is the most dignified thing we can do in this life."

 This last couple of weeks trying to focus on getting back to the basics has been really difficult.   Letting God be God and coming to that place of honesty had been humbling but super sweet all at the same time.   I have been realizing more and more everyday that I am not a super-Christian, I have nothing to offer Jesus, I am not deserving of His love.   But the risk of going to this honest place has been so rewarding and letting Jesus love me in my vulnerability has been so sweet.  Instead of feeling discouraged and sorry for myself that I am just a lame little human, I am realizing what grace the Lord is pouring out and how much I need to and can rely on Him.  

Another thing that I have been focussing on in trying to get back to the basics is that the emptier and emptier that I become of myself the more and more the Lord can fill me with Himself.  i think the hardest part about this though is that I think that if I empty myself of me that Jesus is automatically going to fill me, that as soon as I am empty the heavens will open up and there is going to be a terrential downpour of His Pressance and I am going to be filled and ready to go.  Not So....I have to make an effort to spend time with the Lord and ask Him to fill me.  It takes effort people.  If a glass is empty it is not going to just fill itself up with water, you have to pick it up, take it to the sink, turn on the fosset and fill it up.  It is the same for us, we have to go to our shelf and read the Bible, we have to turn of the TV and talk to the Lord, we have to get out of bed and sit before Jesus.  The painful feeling of empiness being satisfied with the Surplus of God is worth the effort.

I want to encourage you to try getting back to the basics of Walking with the Lord.  Those simple disiplines and truths that we learned so long ago are crucial in our relationship with Jesus.  Get honest with the Lord, get honest with yourself and let Jesus be God.  

After writting the last blog about Donzula and having to leave Swaziland my heart broke!  Everything in me didnt want to leave this precious little girl!  But I had to go and so I prayed that God would hold her in his arms and keep her until someone else could come and be the arms of Jesus and wrap thier arms around her and love her.  Well, One of my good friends Chris Telfer who is on the world race right now was heading to swaziland and so I contacted him and said, "please Find her."  Well here is a post from Christ Telfers Blog.

"

Three weeks ago while we were finishing up our time in Dondo, Mozambique I opened up an email from my friend Cassie Morgan. She was finishing up her time in Swaziland,Africa and was about to head back to the States. She shared what the Lord had been doing in her heart and how he had broke her for a little orphan girl named Donzula.

It just so happened that my team was going to be in Swaziland in a few days and although I would not be able to see her, she invited me to share a piece of the Lords heart with her. In the email she explained she had found this little girl who needed Love. She had been caring for little Donzula for a while now and now that she was leaving she wanted me find this little orphan and care for her. Something in me was touched and I was determined to find her.

Praying as I closed the email, thinking our time in Swaziland would be short, I said, "If you want this Lord, then make it happen." Within three days of our debrief we were told for the next five weeks to find our own ministry and walk by faith. The Lord had now given us the time and freedom to find her. Since then we have talked to a bunch of different people, found a place to stay about five minutes from the community we think she was at and our ready to find the Lords one. I love how our God searches us out one by one and captures our hearts. How he loving takes us into his hand, looks us in the eyes and breathes life.

So far I will be honest the race has been tough. Things get dry at times and tiresome and sometimes it's hard being around the same people all the time. You eat, sleep and share the same air with them. Being church not going to church is a whole lot harder than I could have ever imagined. After six months of outreaches, church gatherings, group meetings, debriefs, and prayer meetings, you would think we would have a clearer view of what the word Church means. What I do know is that we continue where one saint stops. That the walls are built by the masses not by the one and the most important thing is to be loved by the one who gave his life for the masses. If all I can do is find her, pick her up, look her in the eyes and say "Hello, I'm Cassies friend." Then it's worth it because Christ is worth it. We have a chance to be the Lords hands and feet so pray that we find little Donzula. Pray the Lord teach us through this journey what it means to be Church.  What it means to be family. What is means to be a saint."

After reading this my heart lept with excitment and so I started praying that they would find her.  Here is the end result.  This is a post from Seth Barnes blog about this whole thing.

" The following story is why we do what we do: releasing the next generation to hear from God, on their own, and bring "Kingdom" to the world. Enjoy…

Cassie Morgan is one of our staff members with AIM that has been in Swazi for some time… she was going home last month and asked one of our World Racers, Chris Telfer, to find a little orphan girl named Donzula for her; this is Donzula. She is four years old and lives out in the bush somewhere in Swaziland, Africa and that is all Chris knew.

When Cassie met Donzula, she found her living in a ditch, bleeding in places she should not be bleeding and completely orphaned. Our World Racer was in Mozambique and Cassie sent him the email saying, "When you arrive in Swazi, will you PLEASE go and find her?" Here is the story from Chris:

"I prayed and asked God, and all He said was 'Find her!' I had NO idea where she was, and so I started asking local pastors and people if they knew a little girl named Donzula. After 2 1/2 to 3 weeks of asking people, and 3 days out in the bush, I showed her picture to a go-go (grandma that takes care of the orphans here), and she said, 'I know where she is.' So, yesterday, one of the local pastors took our team from homestead to homestead, searching desperately for this child of God… as we where showing her picture a 7 to 9 year-old boy, he just took off running. I watched him as he ran over one hill then the next, and then he disappeared. 5 Minutes later, out in the distance, I see this boy running towards us with someone on his back; my heart start beating, my spirit start singing, and I knew this piggy-back-riding little girl was our little girl."

Chris says through an interpreter, "I am Cassie's friend." Donzula smiles and raises her arms towards Chris.

"I picked her up, and the Lord said, 'Hand her to Erin, [one of our other racers],' and Erin's heart broke. She said, 'It's only happened a couple times, but the Lord placed Donzula's heart into mine, and I could not contain my emotions!'"

Donzula is now a part of our ever growing family here… thank you Cassie, Chris, Erin and Jesus; wouldn't want to do this without you."

After being here for the last 6 mnths I am becoming more aware of the reality of this country. I was talking to a man that works in the Government here and he was laying it all out for me. 50% of the population have AIDS, but that is only the people that have been tested. He was saying that the real number of people infected is about 75%. If things keep going the way that they are now, in about 10 -15 years (rough estimate) there is going to be such a huge death wave here. The economy is going to fall, they will overthrow the king, and Swaziland will be no more.

Some of you might be reading this and be thinking, "no way." That is what I thought until we started to be smacked in the face with it through situations that we are encountering here. We all the time see kids at the schools and at the care points with AIDS and know that they are on meds to keep it under control. But how is it taking over the nation?

I want to tell you about a little girl that stole my heart last semester. Her name is Donzala. She is four years old. This semester we were faced with the harsh reality that this little girl (as well as her sister, 6) are being abused. We found blood in very telling places, and through her mood changing, we knew. Besides wanting to murder the person that is doing this to her we had to face reality. There are children all over this nation that are being abused. Rape is an everyday thing here. There are so many lies here that people believe about this disease and how to get rid of it. The kids here are taught songs about their bodies and how "no one can touch them without their consent." Death is real here. It is taking over a nation. Please be praying for Donzala and her situation. Please pray that God would grant us wisdom about what to do. Ultimately please pray that God would redeem Swaziland.